The Glorious Efficiency of the Queue: A Meditation on Waiting
Issued by the Bureau of Leisure Management, Sector 7, Pacific Division
Comrades, let us speak plainly: the queue is freedom.
Not the hollow, individualistic freedom of the so-called "express lane" — that bourgeois invention designed to reward those with fewer groceries, as though the number of one's items reflects the size of one's contribution to the collective. No. We speak of true freedom: the freedom to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with your fellow citizen, united in patient suffering, equal in your inability to reach the front.
The queue does not ask who you are. It does not ask what you earn. It asks only one thing: How long are you willing to wait? And in that question lies the entire moral architecture of a just society.
Why the Queue Triumphs Over Chaos
Some reactionary elements — and you know who they are, for they are checking their phones and sighing — suggest that "efficiency" should govern how citizens access goods and services. They speak of "optimization." They speak of "just ordering online."
These people are dangerous.
Efficiency, comrades, is the language of the oppressor. When we optimize, we create winners and losers. When we queue, we create only waiters — and in waiting, we are all the same.
Consider the great queues of history:
- The bread lines of the 20th century's most progressive experiments were not failures. They were community events.
- The DMV of today is not a bureaucratic quagmire. It is a mindfulness retreat, state-sponsored and free of charge.
- The checkout line at Costco on a Saturday afternoon is the closest modern Americans come to genuine solidarity.
The Express Lane: A Confession of Moral Bankruptcy
The 15-items-or-fewer lane represents everything wrong with late-stage Western thought. The premise — that a citizen with fewer items deserves faster service — is, at its core, anti-collectivist propaganda.
What message does this send to the family of seven, purchasing provisions for the week, with their cart overflowing with the physical evidence of their love and commitment to reproduction of the labor force? That they are lesser? That their 47 items are somehow too many?
The Bureau of Leisure Management calls upon all right-thinking citizens to refuse the express lane, even when eligible. Stand in the regular line. Make eye contact with your comrades. Share the experience. Build something together.
Practical Guidance for the Enlightened Queue Participant
The Bureau has issued the following behavioral standards for queue participation:
- Do not look at your phone. Phones are a tool of distraction engineered to make waiting feel unpleasant. Instead, study the merchandise displays. Consider what you do not need. Appreciate restraint.
- Do not sigh audibly. Sighing implies that your time is more valuable than your neighbor's. It is not.
- Do not make comments about "how long this is taking." The line is taking exactly as long as it should. You are simply arriving at the front at a rate commensurate with your patience level.
- Do not open a second register. That is management's decision. Respect the process.
Conclusion: The Wait IS the Destination
We live in an age of instant gratification — of two-day shipping and contactless payment and apps that send a car to your door within minutes. And where has this gotten us? Fractured. Isolated. Unable to stand still for four minutes without experiencing existential dread.
The queue heals. The queue humbles. The queue is the great equalizer.
The People thank you for your patience.
— Commissar B. Waitmore Bureau of Leisure Management, Sector 7 "Progress Is Just Around the Corner (Approximately 20–25 Minutes)"